It's Just not Hamlet's Day!
by Cassandra Sita Terra
Summary: A remake of Hamlet during Act 5 scene 2, the fight between Laertes and Hamlet, with a few little additons...it seems that people can't keep away...


It's Just not Hamlet's Day!  
  
Act 5 scene 2, the fight between Laertes and Hamlet.  
  
Laertes and Hamlet fight, enter Three Witches  
  
1 Witch One: Excuse me…  
  
(Laertes and Hamlet stop fighting)  
  
Hamlet: What? Can't you damnitable dames see that we are fighting here?  
  
Witch One: (ignoring Hamlet's question) Is this Macbeth?  
  
Hamlet: No! This is Hamlet! What the devil are you?  
  
Witch Two: We are the tree witches, sisters of Hecate and Hell.  
  
All three witches: Fair is Foul and Foul is Fair, hover through the fog and filthy air.  
  
Laertes and Hamlet: What is that supposed to mean?!  
  
Laertes: How did you get here?  
  
Witch Three: Look, it said outside this was a Tragedy! Geeze! Come on girls, let go home.  
  
(Witch Two and Three vanish)  
  
Witch One: A plague on both your houses! (She vanishes).  
  
Hamlet: A little to late for that…  
  
Laertes: Now, where were we? On yes, prepare to die…again! (They get ready to fight).  
  
Enter Don Jon, followed by Dogberry and guards.  
  
Don John: Excuse me! Coming through here! (He runs in between Laertes and Hamlet, almost knocking them over.)  
  
Laertes: Do you mind? I'm trying to kill someone here!  
  
Dogberry: Stop that man!  
  
Hamlet: Get out of here! Damnit!  
  
Exeunt Dogberry and guards and Don John.  
  
Laertes: Now that that is over, I will settle my score with you Hamlet! (They get ready to fight).  
  
Enter Juliet.  
  
Juliet: Oh, Romeo, Romeo. Where for art thou Romeo? Defy thy father and refuse thy name and I shall no longer be a Capulet…Is that right? Am I a Montique or a Capulet? Damn! I can never remember!  
  
Laertes: (Throws down sword). What is going on here! How did you get in? Is this an open set?  
  
Juliet: Have you seen my Romeo?  
  
Laertes: (sarcastically). Yes, he was looking for his bimbo, you, and when he couldn't find you he thought you dead, so he killed himself.  
  
Juliet: Aye me! (She pulls out a dagger and gets ready to kill herself).  
  
Laertes: No, good maiden! I was only joking! There is your good Romeo, with the King and Queen! (He points).  
  
Romeo: Oh, Juliet! There you are! He picks up a goblet (the one with poison in it). I'll drink to your health.  
  
Claudius: Wait! I wouldn't… (He tries to stop him).  
  
Romeo drinks…chokes and gasps, cries out Juliet's name…and falls down dead.  
  
Juliet rushes over to him.  
  
Juliet: Aye me! Leave no poison for me? (She picks up the dagger and kills herself with it).  
  
Hamlet: My God! What was that for?!  
  
Claudius: No! That was for-! I mean…  
  
Laertes: (aside) Good, now he is distracted, I must strike!  
  
He lunges for Hamlet, but steps on a twig, alerting his motives to Hamlet. Hamlet steps aside, and nocks Laertes unconscious. He moves toward Claudius.  
  
Hamlet: Thy foul villain! Thou art a villain! A murderous villain! Thou killed my father! And I swore to him that I would see you dead by my hands!  
  
Claudius: No! No! Spare me, help me wife!  
  
Queen: I will not! Your seconds are numbered. (She exit).  
  
Hamlet: Spare? I will not spare you, uncle.  
  
Enter Ghost  
  
Isn't that right, father? He deserves nothing.  
  
Claudius: Who are you talking to? Your father is dead.  
  
Ghost: Quite right, dear brother. Dead, damned, because of you and your villainous ways!  
  
Claudius pales at the sound of his brother's voice, and turns.  
  
Claudius: Oh angles and ministers of grace defend me!  
  
Ghost: Nay, brother. Thou wilt go to Hell. Nothing can save you from your death.  
  
Hamlet runs Claudius through.  
  
Claudius: Ah! I am slain! (He dies).  
  
Hamlet: Now, father. Will you go to heaven?  
  
Ghost: Aye, my son. My death has been avenged. (He exit).  
  
Hamlet: Horatio! Oh ho, Horatio!  
  
Enter Horatio  
  
Horatio: You call, my lord?  
  
Hamlet: Good Horatio, will thou see to my mother? It seems she has disappeared during this escapade.  
  
Horatio: I will my lord. (He exit)  
  
Hamlet: Oh, now what is there to be done? Sweet Ophelia has gone to her bed, without ever been kissed or married. Woe is me. Strange events have been taken here, much is to be considered.  
  
Enter the Ghost of Banquo.  
  
Banquo: I heard that there was a ghost needed here.  
  
Hamlet: Who or what are you? Nothing is what it seems here! Has all of Elsinore gone insane? Is this land now cursed? Am I cursed with seeing strange apparitions?  
  
Banquo: So I take it there isn't an opening here, is there?  
  
Hamlet: No! Away spirit! Leave Elsinore in peace.  
  
The Ghost of Banquo exit  
  
Hamlet: Peace, oh peace! I pray to God that there now be peace!  
  
Voice of God: Sorry, can't. You heard the witches, a plague on both your houses.  
  
Hamlet looks up: What the @&^$! This isn't Romeo and Juliet! They died already! Can't you see that?!  
  
God: What? Oh, sorry about that. Must be a typo in the script. Carry on.  
  
Hamlet: All right, that is it. I'm going to bed. I don't care if the sky falls down and the world ends.  
  
Enter Fortinbras.  
  
Fortinbras: Is it all right if we invade now? Has the fighting all stopped?  
  
Hamlet: Yes, yes. Do what ever you want with Denmark, I don't care any more. See you in the morning. (He exit).  
  
Fortinbras: Well that was a lot easier that I expected. (Looks around). Damn! Would you look at all the dead bodies! Poor souls. Ha! Glad it's them and not me. Okay boys, let's take this place over!  
  
Enter soldiers.  
  
Fortinbras: Just burn or bury the bodies, I don't care. They are all scoundrels, every last one of them.  
  
Enter Shakespeare.  
  
Shakespeare: No, no, no! Not Romeo and Juliet! Give them the proper burial and to hell with Claudius and Laertes!  
  
A Soldier: Um, Mr. Shakespeare, sir, I think Laertes is still alive.  
  
Shakespeare: Oh, is he? That wasn't supposed to happen. Must have a thicker skull than I thought. Oh, well, just kill the man and be done with it, all right? (He exit).  
  
Fortinbras: You heard the man, now get to it!  
  
Exit Soldiers, carrying the bodies. Fortinbras stands for a moment, shaking his head, and then he exits too.  
  
  
  
In the last scene of Hamlet (act 5, scene 2), Hamlet tell that he knows of the King's plot against him and that he had Rosencrantz and Guildenstern killed instead oh himself. Hamlet is asked to fight against Laertes, even though he suspects foul play involved, he accepts the challenge.  
  
At the fight, Laertes accuses Hamlet for the death of his sister Ophelia, but Hamlet denies this and says that he loved Ophelia. They fight a lord Osric keeping score. Unknown to Hamlet, Laertes rapier has poison on it. Hamlet seems to be winning.  
  
Cluadius puts the poisoned pearl into a cup of wine. Unfortunately, Gertrude drinks some of the poisoned cup in a toast to Hamlet's health. Claudius knows Gertrude is doomed, but doesn't tell her anything.  
  
In the fight Laertes cuts Hamlet, but in their scuffle they switch swords. Hamlet then harms Laertes. The Queen falls, succumbing to the poison. Laertes himself falls to his knees, the poison eating at his blood. The Queen knows then it was the wine that made her ill, and figures that there is poison in it. She dies soon after.  
  
Laertes, wanting to repent his evil, tells Hamlet it is the King to blame. Hamlet then harms the king with his still poisoned rapier. The king cries for help, but no one comes to his aid and Hamlet makes him drink part of the poisoned wine. Laertes asks that Hamlet forgives him and says that his death or his fathers will not be on Hamlet's shoulders. The then dies.  
  
Hamlet, feeling the effects of the poisoned, asks for the poisoned cup from Horatio. Horatio will not give it to him. Osric enters to announce that Fortinbras has come. Hamlet dies, and Horatio wishes him well onto his flight to Heaven.  
  
Fortinbras enter; he now has complete control of Elsinore and Denmark. He decides to give Hamlet a hero's funeral.  
  
I wanted to write an alternate ending that was not as tense. I wanted to add comedy to it, and I didn't want the Queen to die. I also wanted to incorporate more of Shakespeare into Hamlet, like Macbeth, Much Ado about Nothing, and Romeo and Juliet (even though we didn't read it, I just thought about throwing them in for fun). I had a lot of fun writing this, the idea came to me in class the day this was assigned. I like humor and I wanted to add some into the tragedy. The witches were a first choice, because Laertes and Hamlet wouldn't know what they were. This would add to the whole appearance/reality/truth thing that was going on through out the play. I added quotes from Hamlet and Romeo and Juliet.  
  
I placed Don John and Dogberry in there because we never saw a chase scene in Much Ado and I thought it would be funny to the audience and annoying to Laertes and Hamlet.  
  
Juliet and Romeo? Well, I don't know exactly why I put them in Hamlet, guess it ran along the theme of a tragedy so I threw them in to the mess. Hey, they kept the body count up to 3 at the end of this act! I let Romeo take the poison because he poisoned himself in Romeo and Juliet so I kept the same theme. Poison does wonder, doesn't?  
  
Banquo was there because of the other Ghost (Hamlet's father). Adds to the theme of appearance and such. I wanted another Ghost to come in and ask if there was an opening for a ghost scene. I thought it would be funny. I wanted the Ghost of Hamlet to scare Claudius before he died, because he deserved it!  
  
God because Hamlet asked Him. The script was about everything being a script. It also went back to what one of the witches said, "a plague on both your houses!" I thought it would be neat.  
  
Shakespeare is pretty self-explanatory. He is the writer, director, and actor of these plays. I had to have him come in sometime! He had to come in and set everything right. I couldn't let Romeo and Juliet be thrown away and not buried properly, now could I? They were in innocents, and they didn't deserve it.  
  
I let Hamlet live because I wanted him to. I figured that after all that he wouldn't care if Fortinbras killed everyone or if the world ended. He would be very tired and want to go to bed.  
  
Hamlet and Fortinbras would bicker over Denmark later, Hamlet might even let Fortinbras have it, take Horatio and leave for England. 


End file.
